Relaxation is the Gateway Drug to Ecstasy
I’ve been having this conversation recently with my clients. Everybody wants to know how to make themselves a better lover, and everyone wants someone to give them the insight or perspective that will help them have the perfect erection or last longer in bed.
You know, one of the biggest foibles that we struggle with, with regards to sexuality, is the obstacle of expectations. I’ve been struggling with it personally in my own love life, and I’ve been seeing my clients who have been struggling with it - both in their personal life and in their appointments.
By having expectations, we set ourselves up for having our expectations disappointed.
I’ve come to the realization over the last year that the goal is no longer to create overwhelming ecstasy, but simply to experience the exquisite sensuality and pleasure of these amazing bodies that are capable of receiving pleasure in the form of subtle and intense sensations, and to let go of goal oriented thinking.
At this point, I’ve decided that the goals of my work are simply:
Relaxation
Pleasure
That’s It! Anything beyond Relaxation & Pleasure is a bonus, a cherry on top. There are no guarantees! It is next to impossible to guarantee any outcome beyond relaxation.
Relaxation is the #1 goal of my work, because I believe that stress is anti-sensuality and anti-sexuality. We cannot begin to hope for exquisite sensations in these luminous bodies that we inhabit, when we are stressed out.
Stress leads to disconnection, and being disconnected is the opposite of sex. Stress creates fear. Stress creates separation; separation from our lover and our partner, separation from ourselves, separation from our own bodies and our own sensations. Stress is the #1 problem in our sex lives! Stress is the anti-aphrodisiac.
Therefore, in order to bring us into the realm of the orgasmic and the realm of the sublime, we must cultivate our ability to fully inhabit our bodies and relax. Relaxation is to sensuality as sunlight is to plants.
Relaxation is what feeds and nourishes our ability to experience the succulence and exquisiteness of our sensual human bodies. And relaxation is what brings us into our ability to feel sensually & erotically connected to another being. Relaxation allows us to feel connected.
Therefore, relaxation is THE gateway drug to ecstasy. We don’t need to overwhelm our biophysical system with extreme sensations or drugs or subject ourselves to adrenaline inducing, overwhelming environments in order to experience peak states of ecstasy. Pleasure in our bodies is enough, if we are able to *RECEIVE* it.
And I think that’s the ultimate key, here. How many of us are experiencing pleasure in our body but not able to fully receive it…? Because we aren’t fully inhabiting our body… because we are stressed out… because we are not relaxed.
Relaxation makes us receptive to pleasure, therefore relaxation is the gateway drug to ecstasy.
There’s nothing to strive for. Don’t try to force ecstasy. You can’t force ecstasy - because ecstasy is itself a form of magic. And magic is what happens when lightning strikes. It’s a miracle! Sometimes lightning strikes and oftentimes it doesn’t.
I do think that there are methods to cultivate your receptivity for ecstasy and magic. You can become good at putting yourself in the path of getting steamrolled by ecstasy. You can practice cultivating your receptivity to pleasure. You can practice being in your body and prioritizing feeling pleasure in your body rather than feeling stress. You can cultivate mindfulness and monitor your stress responses and allow yourself to become absorbed by awe.
So here are some practices I would like to invite you to cultivate on a daily basis:
Experience pleasure every day. Even if it’s non-sexual. It doesn’t matter if it’s connected to your genitals or not. The goal is to feel the succulence and exquisiteness of pleasure flowing through your body, and ALLOW YOURSELF TO RECEIVE THAT SENSATION.
Allow yourself to cultivate practices that bring relaxation into your body on a daily basis. Whatever that is! Meditation, yoga, massage, acupuncture, or just listening to a guided meditation on Youtube. Whatever!
Practice feeling overwhelmed with awe. Find something that is truly mesmerizing and allow yourself to be absorbed in it.
Sending my love!